The next steps to take:

I’ve found myself at a bit of impasse. Having figured out what it is I need to do to turn the company around all that really remains are working out the mechanics of the tasks to be done. Not that this is any small feat – nay, it may be a lifetime’s work-a-day chores, but now that the “what” has been answered the “how” becomes less intrinsic to the revolution that I am undertaking. It is the product of the revolution, and has its place in productivity, it is not exactly a part of the revolution itself. So, much sooner than I expected, I am asking myself to confront some other situations that will become battlegrounds for the future of myself.

First off, to re-cap all that has happened in this very short period of time. Thanks to an interruption in the day-to-day stressors that had hitherto consumed my thoughts and feelings I have, for the first time in a long time, been able to engage in some serious thought and reflection, not so much a “taking-stock” (as this was always important) as a reshaping of my current view of reality. Reality is a funny thing – sometimes what looks real is actually just a figment of your imagination, and real things look incredulous. However much we construct our own realities (and no, I cannot, after substantial thought, believe it is total) we do construct our perceptions, or priorities, our desires. At times this butts up with the perceptions, priorities and desires of others, and war is the result. Oftentimes that war is waged for no better reason that to assuage the fears in the aggressor’s mind that his or her reality is somehow incorrect. Thus the world is rife with cliques, pompous blowhards and holy war.

But I digress, and I’m trying to avoid that as much as possible. I am thinking now, thinking again, and thinking in a way that I haven’t been able to think while I was constantly worrying about the needs of the next show. Being able to clearly see the issues that have stood in the way of my being successful has been a goal for some time – now I know that I have actually seen my problems many times, where I have erred was in the solution to them. Now we have solutions, and that those solutions can only be brought about by more thinking, so the process that has begun here will be self-replicating and should be able to withstand the daily stressors – you can’t solve a problem with brute force anymore, you have to think your way free of it, and thinking is what has done me so much good in the past, so it is a good choice for me to take once again.

So Grinder Productions is back on track, or at least back on the road to back on track. I’m not about to rush into anything this time around, I want to be able to see how my ideas will withstand the test of time, and if they don’t, to revise them or come up with new ideas, because now we’re in the business of ideas.

On the physical health and welfare front things are also moving along well. I think I’ve been able to effectively fend off the attack from the Mc-World people that I went through last week-end. I’m not saying that junk food is all bad or that I will never eat it again – it’s just that I will never eat it again for the wrong reasons, like being angry, stressed out or otherwise in need of some “Mc-Comfort.” I shouldn’t be so miserable as to need that sort of comfort in my life very often, and when I do I should be able to get it from a healthier source. I don’t mind going out once in a while and eating fast food – I just don’t ever want to go out because I need fast food ever again.

Okay, so I’ve only been back on the bandwagon for a few days now, not even a week – there’s a long way to go, I know that much. But I’m determined not to follow any fad diets or make changes that are basically lies to myself – all this will come from within, because that’s the only place were it will be successful.

And then there’s the third – there’s always the third, as I said in a play one time. That being the good old psycho-socio-sexual self-actualization. Certainly there is where we need to do the most work. For instance, I’m still not sure where I settle on the great moral questions of our time. What is love? What is lust? What is good and bad about either one of those things? Is it absolute, and, perhaps most importantly, can I come to a consensus between my own views and those of the accepted majority (or at least the governing power of the day). Much of these questions are too visceral for me to indulge in on a public forum (that much I have already learned), but nonetheless, I can tell you that I find myself searching. Searching for truth. For meaning. For something that answers the question “Who am I, really?” Am I am loser, a loner, a mental case, a charity case, a noble, a saint, a slacker, an obsessive, an idiot or a monster? Am I part of some, part of all or am I something completely different? Certainly there have been days where I’ve wondered about all of those things – some of them I’ve even been referred to as. Perhaps the upshot is this – whatever I may have been, it has little of import to contribute to who I am striving to become. This is a new reality, a new me.

Okay, here’s a test for myself. I’m actually writing this for posting the day before I do it, so with any luck I’ll have forgotten the gist of these lines by 11am tomorrow morning. I am now going to my parent’s for supper. Not necessarily looking forward to it, but here’s what I’m going to try and do. No matter what happens I’m not going to get angry or snap, not even once. I will even make an effort to do one nice thing for them at some point in the evening. Sounds small, I know, and perhaps you now have some insight into why I might have earned some of the less desirable monikers listed above. But if I can do this, it will be something. One night does not a pattern make, I know, but you have to start somewhere, and realizing that success is going to take a full-on commitment from every facet of myself has pushed me to the point where, if I truly work at it, this just might be the start of a new and better day.

My Result?

Well, not too bad. I didn't snap, and was only mildly annoyed at a couple of points. Downloaded some software for my mother, so that's my good thing. Baby steps, I know, but we have to start somewhere.

Meals for Thursday:

Breakfast - nothing.

Lunch - 3-egg onion and and cheese omlette

Snacks - chocolates (about 5 all day)

Supper - Fried rice and three slices of bread, apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

Got the belt one notch further in today! That is huge progress!

More to follow on Monday...